Jul 17, 2006

Ohio Creates Form as Tool Against Terror

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Ohio DMA logo Left: Impressive-looking DMA logo

(Toledo, OH) In an effort to keep Ohio free from terrorism, the state Department of Homeland Security has created a new form called the DMA (Declaration Regarding Material Assistance to Terrorist Organization).

The form is a required piece of paperwork for vendors doing business with the state, state employees, and those who receive state licenses. Signatories must attest that they have not in the past, nor are they currently, assisting terrorists.

I was required to fill one out as a graduate assistant, and my son just filled one out to open his first bank account.

Six questions are asked of recipients:

1. Are you a member of an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List?

2. Have you used any position of prominence you have within any country to persuade others to support an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List?

3. Have you knowingly solicited funds or other things of value for an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List?

4. Have you solicited any individual for membership in an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List?

5. Have you committed an act that you know, or reasonably should have known, affords "material support or resources" (see below) to an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List?

6. Have you hired or compensated a person known to be a member of an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List or a person known to be engaged in planning, assisting, or carrying out an act of terrorism?


For terrorists who are not sure of the correct answer (which would be "No" to all questions), the designers of the form tell would-be terrorists of the dangers of answering "Yes" or leaving the question unanswered.

Fear not, though, if you are a terrorist doing business with or working for the state prior to the effective date of April 14, 2006 - you are grandfathered in. Only new terrorists need worry.

We can all sleep better now, knowing that the Ohio DHS has created such a thorough form that will help root out extremely stupid terrorists.

Now, if the state will just concentrate on paperwork that will identify terrorists with an IQ above, say, 60 - we will be in great shape.

7 comments:

Jeffrey Smith said...

Mere words cannot describe the thoughts I'm having. I won't event try. Maybe I'll just join them and blither for a while.

Do said...

OK - so a terrorist with ill intent in our country and state will answer yes to any of these? I'm so confused.

Why not just post an ad in all the major newspapers in the country:

WANTED: Will all terrorist please report to your local police station and declare your intentions. Your arrest may, or may not, take place based on your answers to questions on the DMA.

Good grief! This is assinine!

Hooda Thunkit said...

Mike,

I thought that you were going to preface such posts with: Sarcasm Alert! Sarcasm Alert!! Sarcasm Alert!!! preceding them.

You had me going for a minute though...

;-)

Sam said...

Good work. I had to fill out one of these stupid things to continue doing business with the state.

Name withheld to protect the guilty said...

Now someone needs to do a FOIA request to find out how much checking these stupid forms is costing us, the taxpayers.

Peahippo said...

Since I have no idea what organizations and individuals are on this "U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List", the truthful answer to each one of these questions would be "I don't know". For your grad work, you should have put that in. Usually for check-marked answers you're given the usual YES and NO, but you can add a tiny box and put "I don't know" right next to it.

Now, some of the so-called administrators processing your request may get snarky and provide such a list, but still, the answer remains "I don't know" ... since such a list may be updated from state intelligence sources at any time of the day or night without notice to you. You can't actually answer "no" since you take the risk of perjury at least.

At any rate, by entering answers like this, and getting this personally involved, the whole point is to consume the time of the administrators, officials and even law enforcement who are called out to investigate your "I don't know" answers. It's their own fault for making a stupid form like that in the first place, so it's only proper for us to screw them back using their own system.

MikeM said...

I just had a paycheck held up because my department administrator did not know about this form until it was too late. After the airlines canceled their "I'm not carrying a bomb on the plane" questions at check-in, you'd think we'd have learned better.

Although maybe its effective. We should tell the FBI, so they can add questions too!
1.) I am a serial killer.
2.) I killed Jon Benet Ramsey.
3.) I know where Jimmy Hoffa's body is.

I wish I knew how much we paid for this thing, and who approved it.