I found myself behind an inebriated driver for several miles this morning. What surprised me was not the fact that the person was weaving and having trouble staying in her lane, but that a person could be so completely blasted at 10:00 am.
I first noticed the asshat on northbound Byrne near Dorr, and I had the displeasure to be stuck behind her all the way to Kenwood. I was leery of trying to pass her, given her propensity to make sudden swerves and drive with the dotted white lines in the center of her older red Chrysler. I called 911 to report her, passing along the license plate number and various descriptive characteristics.
Unluckily for me, Ms. Wasted also turned eastbound onto Kenwood (the same direction I was headed), and proceeded to drive onto the landscaped median as one enters Old Orchard. KA-THWUMP! The passenger in the car did not look much better, being one of those people who have their seat reclined so that all you can see is the top of their heads. Hitting the median did not even cause the passenger to look up, so he might have been sleeping.
As I turned onto a side street to complete my errand, I saw a young mother with a small child walking toward Kenwood, and I wondered about fate. Had this mom and her daughter started on their trek just 30 seconds earlier, their paths might have crossed with the drunken idiot whose utter stupidity and recklessness I had witnessed for several miles.
So whoever you are, Ms. Asshat, consider yourself lucky you managed to avoid killing anyone today, at least not yet. Odds are your continued drunken motoring will not remain undetected for long, and - given the fact that three police departments were within range of your escapades - you might even be behind bars as we speak.
And to the unknown mother and child: I thank God you spent a few extra minutes at home before your journey. Hug her, and walk as far away from the curb as possible.
You never know who is driving the car in front of you.