Jan 31, 2008

All-Time Worst Pop Songs

We all have a song or two (or twelve) that make us cringe, or dive to change the station before we are subjected to aural torture. With this thought in mind, I have assembled some of what I believe to be the worst-ever moments in pop music.

Feel free to chime in with a comment about your least favorite pop songs, or to offer a vehement defense in favor of a maligned song.

"Honey," Bobby Goldsboro - Not only is this a sappy piece of musical drivel, but what kind of angels sneak up on someone and take them away? Sounds more like B-movie horror than a fatal love dirge.

"PopoZão," Kevin Federline - Whatever crumbs of street credibility K-Fed ever possessed disappeared with the release of this God-awful blend of hip-hop and Brazilian funk. Set this disc on a wall, grab a 12-gauge, and take aim.

"Elusive Butterfly Of Love," Bob Lind - Dreck. Dreck. Dreck. "Don't be concerned, it will not harm you," croons the singer, but it sounds more like a bright elusive butterfly of STALKERY to me.

"Playground In My Mind," Clint Holmes - Admittedly, my dislike of this song owes much to its incessant "Michael and Cindy, when we get married, we're gonna have us a baby or two" chorus, which was the source of much taunting when I was a kid and lived next door to a girl named Cindy. Still, this attempt at reminiscing about the innocence of youth is way over the top.

"These Boots Are Made For Walking," Jessica Simpson - The original Nancy Sinatra version had an element of vampiness and goofy Sixties cachet, but Jessica Simpson completely butchers this tune with her phoned-in, bored vocals.

"Achy, Breaky Heart," Billy Ray Cyrus - And as if this musical abomination wasn't bad enough, the talentless Hannah Montana is a product of Billy Ray's loins. More than enough reason to demand federal legislation mandating a vasectomy for him.


Anonymous said...

"Butterfly Kisses" ---Bob Carlsile - shoot that evil man, puh-leeze.

engineer of knowledge said...

Hello Mike,
What a nice posting change in the blog world. Mine is Gary Pucket and the Union Gap’s song "Young Girl." A song who's subject is about how this little girl needs to run away to her Mother because he may not be able to resist his sexual urges to make love to her.... or in other words, Child Molestation.

mud_rake said...

I'll have to disagree, Mike with your choice of "Elusive Butterfly Of Love." While corny and surely musically dopey, it evokes a clear emotion in me as I was 'courting' during that time and the woman was being very 'elusive' like a 'butterfly.'

Eventually my net snagged her and she has been flittering around our home for 40 years.

Good catch!

Historychic said...

Tub Thumper by Chumbawumba is the worst pop song ever especially with lines like "pissing the night away." Macarena is a close second.However, I did like Achy Breaky Heart back in high school. That could have been more to do with the crush I had on Billy Ray back then. Man, I never should have admitted that just now.

microdot said...

I hated the song Winchester Cathedral when it was released and now that's is being used in a endlessly
repeating French Ad, I hate it even more!

Funny at the same time that the Winchester Cathedral song came out, Tony Randall released a strange song, very retro 1930's crooner style called "Your Red Dress Matches Your Eyes" which was so loony it was absolutely brilliant!

Honey's House by Bobby Goldsboro.

The entire Knights in White Satin record by the Moody Blues...in fact almost anything by the Moody Blues.

Oh, I could go on, and I'm still in the 60's.

By the way, Mudrake, Bob Lind, the author of Elusive Butterfly went on to become a pop producer and was arrested on charges of stalking and solicitiong sex from under age boys!

Robin said...

The only song on that list I've heard is the Billy Ray Cirus one. I guess it is sometimes good to be out of touch with pop culture. LOL!

The Megadeth version of "These Boots Were Made for Walking" isn't too bad. I also like the Nancy Sinatra version.

Mad Jack said...

Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn. I hated this waste of vinyl the very first time it was inflicted on me. My hate has increased over the years to the point that I really, really want to knock Tony Orlando on his pointy head with a length of pipe. Three times, of course.

I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. The voice of a constipated Blue Jay coupled with lyrics written by some primate that doesn't know what alimony is.

Elusive Butterfly of Love by Bob Lind, which I had mercifully forgotten until our gracious host, HistoryMike, saw fit to list it on this blog. I hope your snow blower breaks down.

I Fought the Law by Sonny Curtis and The Crickets. Pity there isn't a law against this drivel.

Wildfire by Michael Murphey. Take the pony and the lead vocal, chain them up in the barn with the busted stall and apply six gallons of white gas and a kitchen match. Voila! The world is a better place!

The Little Bird Song by You Name It. This is played to death by every polka band in the US of A, and I hate it. It's an incredibly stupid instrumental with an equally stupid line dance that involves all the complexity commonly found in a group of five year old boys making music with trash can lids and hammers.

My Humps by Black Eyed Peas. This is bad, really bad. Really, really bad. Just listen to this once and you can feel your IQ drop.

Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks. We had joy, we had fun, we got to use our new shotgun... This piece of noise should be banned from every single solitary broadcasting station in the entire world. Violators will have their transmitter dynamited with the DJ inside it, duct taped to a metal folding chair that's super-glued to the floor.

Candy Man by Sammy Davis Jr. This one needs no explanation unless you are fortunate enough never to have heard it.

The Macarena by Los Del Rio. Ranks right up there with the Little Bird song, except it is stupider, if that is possible. The line dance associated with this is even dumber than, I don't know... words fail me.

There's an even ten songs, in no particular order. I'm now off to listen to a little Ludwig Von Beethoven by the Chicago Symphony Orchestra to cleanse my mind.

McCaskey said...

Great subject matter.

MJ, I agree with most on your list, although Bobby Fuller version of "I fought the law" was pretty damn good.

Also, I admit to a weakness for "Wildfire"; I enjoy the piano and strings and Michael Murphy has a great voice. Matter of fact, he did an incredible job performing it on Letterman some months back; sounded note-for-note like the studio version.

"I Am Women" (Helen Ready)
got old very fast for me.

natch "Sugar, Sugar" (Archies), "Baby, Baby Don't Hooked on Me" (Mac Davis), Smokin' In the Boys Room" (Brownsville Station).

"Honey" and "Candy Man" are indeed two of the worst pop songs of all-time.

Billy Pilgrim said...

My pick for worst pop song ever? The Gin Blossom's "Hey Jealousy." Just look at the utter dreck in the song's chorus: "Tomorrow we can drive around this town/And let the cops chase us around/The past is gone but something might be found/To take its place." I rest my case.

Doug said...

What makes a song "bad" anyway? To me it's shoddy songwriting or performance rather than what the song is about. Most of these songs are well performed and well-produced and were popular in their day. Some of the worst recorded songs I've heard are You Better You Bet (The Who) Don't You Want Me (Human League) Miss You (The Rolling Stones) Love Is Called My Old Piano (Diana Ross) The Black-eyed Boys (Paper Lace) No Charge (can't remember the fellow's name, but it's a dreadful song)and Harpo's Horoscope. As I'm a fan of Cliff, Cliff Richard's Mistletoe and Wine is also pretty ordinary. In more recent times I confess to being completely turned off by "I Like Big Butts" - the lyrics are horrid. Can anyone scrape lower in the barrel than these?