Feb 20, 2009

Department of Lame Product Names: Cocoa Peanut Butter Spheres

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Whenever possible my wife and I purchase generic products to save money, and we generally receive a reasonable level of quality from off-brand labels like Millville, the cereal maker for Aldi Foods. Such is the case with the breakfast cereal pictured on your left, Millville's Cocoa Peanut Butter Spheres, which delivers a taste close enough to Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs to keep the kids and me happy.

But oy: What a name!

The word "spheres" conjures up images of geometry and engineering in my mind, rather than an edible products. I know that the Millville product development folks wanted to avoid any copyright problems with General Mills, but I suspect that there might have been rhetorical possibilities with greater aesthetic appeal than "spheres."

Perhaps "Cocoa Peanut Butter Treats" or "Cocoa Peanut Butter Bites" or "Cocoa Peanut Butter Tidbits" might have worked better. "Spheres" sounds more like a technical term, or as if someone for whom English is a second or third language was in charge of naming the cereal, and that person pulled the first word on the memory cards containing the Microsoft Word synonym list.

This reminds me of the 1984 film Repo Man, where products on store shelves had plain white labels and names like "Drink", "Dry Gin", "Food (Meat Flavored)", and "Beer." Sure, these are no-frills products, but why not spend two minutes thinking up a catchier name?

And by the way: what's with the cross-eyed octopus on the cereal box? The character looks more crazily drunk than playful, and if I were a small child, I might run screaming out of the kitchen if I had to stare at that box while munching my Cocoa Peanut Butter Spheres. I'd be afraid that the inebriated Octopoda might swat me with its flailing extremities, or reach out and drag me to the deep dark blue waters of its bathypelagic lair.

I'm just sayin'.

8 comments:

Hooda Thunkit said...

Mike,

BALLS came immediately to mind, but on second thought. . .

:-)

microdot said...

I absolutely have no comment as I cannot imagine wanting to buy Choco-Pizzanutty Coconut Orbs or what ever....
What is wrong wit' you folks?????

Of course, I should talk, I just picked up a few pieces of an interesting little cheese called "trou de cul"...
They are sort of shaped like a largish cork and have a slightly slimy amber colored skin and seem to be extremely stinky.
As far as the name...look it up.

Chino said...

I saw the octopus right away and was like why is there a fucking octopus attacking from within the cereal bowl? And what the fuck does that have to do with anything? And then it occurred to me that the peanutty spheres resemble WWII naval mines and I have the sinking feeling (no pun I swear) they are marketing war to children in the form of fun explosions of cocoay goodness. It could be the War on Terror, or maybe the War on The Octopod Master Race, but still, please keep the propaganda out of my breakfast bowl.

Mad Jack said...

HEY KIDZ!!!

Try Captain Whammo's Super Sugar Rockets, Whirly-Gigs or Stawberry Chocolate Saucers for a Nutritious Super Energy Breakfast!

You get all the Sugar Plus Twice the Caffeine combined with Seventeen Scintillating Colors NOT FOUND IN NATURE!!!

Plus, in specially marked boxes, you'll also get a FREE Captain Whammo Rocket Ranger iron on Patch! You too can be a Rocket Ranger just like Captain Whammo!!!



* offer not valid in sectors R or M. Void where prohibited.

microdot said...

Now I wants me some of dem...

dr-exmedic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dr-exmedic said...

as if someone for whom English is a second or third language was in charge of naming the cereal
This option has my vote. :) My friend once sent me a picture of some sort of toy with the caption, "Wacky ball-pounding fun!"

Anonymous said...

hi, I was wondering if anyone has the ingredients..I had some left over and let my 1 year old eat some and he developped an allergy. The problem is I didn't have the box anymore...Please Help!