I am beyond tired at this moment, which happens to be almost midnight at the end of an especially long week. The particulars related to my exhaustion are irrelevant, but I note my tired state only to place in context my upcoming questioning. You see, I am in one of those existential places where I find myself wondering if God really exists - really exists - or whether He really pays much attention to what happens on this planet.
"It's just the sleep deprivation," you might say, that is responsible for my dark mood. Of course, it could be the news about the laid off IBM worker who killed 14 people today in New York, or the fact that my 4-month-old niece continues her tenuous grip on life.
But for the moment, I have little faith that God actively participates in what happens on the planet.
Perhaps after some rest the world will make more sense, and perhaps then I will understand why English language students like Zhanar Tokhtabayeba suddenly find themselves facing a psychotic killer wielding semi-automatic handguns. Maybe in the morning I will understand why the heart of a four-month-old baby can be so problematic, while the heart of an overweight 45-year-old like me - someone who used to smoke, who drank too much, and who eats fatty foods like it is his full time job - why this heart keeps ticking away despite my efforts to weaken it through unhealthy lifestyle choices.
Now, I am not saying I want to go to the Great Beyond, at least not yet, but what sense is there in a four-month-old baby struggling to keep her beat while people like me routinely abuse our hearts and wake up every morning just to abuse the blasted organ some more?
Yes, maybe this will make sense in the morning, but I suspect I will still have my doubts.