Jun 19, 2009

Department of Imbecility: Fireworks in the Garage

As I briefly consider the myriad examples of human stupidity that I have witnessed over the course of my life, I am hardpressed to top the collective brainlessness exhibited by some neighbors this afternoon. You see, not only were these amateur pyrotechnicians engaged in feats of half-witted recklessness involving the aiming of combustible missiles at each other, but these simpletons used their garage as the staging ground for the fireworks battles.

Yes, the garage: that building that houses such incendiary supplies as cans of gasoline, paint, and charcoal lighter.

When I heard the initial bursts of firecrackers and bottle rockets, I ushered my dogs in the house lest they be hit by a stray explosive device, or in case they freaked out and escaped the yard in their fright. As I looked across the street, though, I saw a 20-foot-high plume of gray smoke, and it was only after it cleared that I realized it was coming from inside the garage.

Now, I am not immune to moments of dubious reasoning - and admitedly as a young teen I parlayed some paper route earnings into fireworks - but I boldly declare that lighting fireworks in the garage is an idea that never popped into my head before today.

Just like the way that such ill-conceived schemes as laying down on the freeway or jumping into a cage with a lion never occurred to me.

Fortunately, there is about 50 yards of space between the garage these clowns might engulf in flames and my house. I suspect that any fires that result would not leap this distance, especially with the flash flood conditions in Northwest Ohio today, but do not be surprised if these mental defectives make the news.

In a bad, bad way.


Anonymous said...

Whoa - dass some kinda stupid, alright!


Carol said...

I know someone that did this exact thing about 30 years ago. He blew half his own hand off and collapsed the roof on the house. Goes to show you that stupidity can span the generations in no time flat.

Will someone please add a little chlorine to the gene pool?

Mr. Puggle said...

hope you have insurance for any flying debris! thanks for gettin' those doggies inside.

Mad Jack said...

It seems I remember a story about two groups of boys having a war with tennis ball cannons. The preferred propellant is lighter fluid. One of the little miscreants thought it would be fun to take this war to a whole new level, and so soaked the next tennis ball in lighter fluid. Probably inspired by the old westerns which showed the Indians using flaming arrows.

Anyway, the ball went into the garage and ignited a pile of dry leaves, sawdust and other debris under the work bench.

Very little damage was done to the garage. The tennis ball cannons were tossed out.

You know, Mike, just for fun you could send them a little present. How about a pound or two of black powder and some fuse?

dr-exmedic said...

One of my favorite ambulance transports involved a car, not a garage. Dumbass was driving daddy's Lexus drunk, lit a firework and tossed it out the window, not realizing the window was closed....When he realized the firework was now in his lap, he hit the window button and picked the firework up in just enough time to lose a thumb, but save that other appendage.

steve said...

When I was in 5th grade, my friends and I would go to the Hobby center at Miracle Mile (remember that place) and buy maybe 10 packs of the largest model rocket engines we could find. We'd take them home, cut them open, and mortar and pistol them into some wicked black powder. We'd take the powder and fill the ends of the next size down rocket engine. These particular smaller rocket engines had the parachute charge. Then we would bondo the top shut to make a handy warhead. Glued to a stick for stability, these mothers would climb to about 1000 feet and blow with the power of a couple m80's. You could feel the shockwave a second later. We went as far as time the flash and shockwave.. taking temp and pressure into account to figure the sound time to calculate the altitude. Ah the fun times..

We grew out of our punky kid stage about 8th grade. Doing all this crazy stuff just sort of lost it's appeal after awhile.. replaced by girls, studying, sports ect..

I tend to think that people who continue doing these sorts of things never progressed passed adolescence. Freud called it the Latent stage.. so apparently many people still have latency stage issues.