Mar 11, 2010

On Heavenly News and Near Misses

Now, I have nothing against folks who follow the Christian faith tradition known as Jehovah's Witnesses, but I have to admit I am less than excited to see their members going door-to-door in my neighborhood. I am not the kind of person who pulls the drapes and hides when unexpected visitors show up, and I feel an obligation to at least answer the door and tell them "no thanks." This usually means an extended conversation with people who I doubt will succeed in changing my fairly entrenched views of God.

That, plus my dogs bark like pagan fools at the sight of well-dressed proselytizers with pamphlets.

Thus I was glad to see the latest edition of The Watchtower on my front porch, as this meant that I dodged (at least for today) the efforts of local Jehovah's Witnesses to convert me. I figured that in return I ought to at least peruse the magazine the Witnesses left for me.

I learned that - according to The Watchtower - Christians are no longer obligated to keep the Sabbath, that true Christians are politically neutral, and that true Christians do not participate in wars. I also learned that Jehovah's Witnesses have little use for the Holy Trinity, that only 144,000 true believers will go to Heaven, and that John the Baptist is not among those who will be in Heaven.

I also learned via a color illustration that Heaven looks kind of like an African safari, with smiling people paddling canoes among pink flamingos, grazing zebras, and sleepy lions that seem not to notice the bountiful prey around them. Hey - I like this vision of Heaven a lot better than some of the fire-and-brimstone visions of the afterlife some sects push.


Anonymous said...

I hide from all zombies, religious or otherwise.


historymike said...

Nah, I have known a few Jehovah's Witnesses, JD, and they are not cult-like zombies. True believers, for sure, but not brainwashed zombies.

Mad Jack said...

The Witnesses? Oh, man...

I also learned via a color illustration that Heaven looks kind of like an African safari, with smiling people paddling canoes among pink flamingos, grazing zebras, and sleepy lions that seem not to notice the bountiful prey around them.

That's a travel brochure you're looking at. The people paddling the canoe are your bearers. They probably won't show the Askaris, but you'll have to hire some to defend against the occasional baboon attack or marauding Mau Maus. Also, don't be fooled by the lions. They sleep most of the day and steal food from the jackals at night. And for Heaven's sake don't try feeding the zebras or try to ride them. They don't like people.

You're going to need a rifle. I recommend the Holland & Holland .700 nitro express for a guaranteed one shot, knock him arse-over-apex, certain sure kill of that bull elephant that's sure to charge you and your lady fair at the most inconvenient moment. Can't be too careful when the misses is around, don't you know.

Well, tally ho and all that.

steve said...

I think this is a great allegory of heaven:

Alpha Bitch said...

If you want to get rid of them for good, do what I do. Invite them in for a discussion. Be honest with them and tell them what you believe (or don't believe) and why. Whenever they present their side, listen to them and let them have their say. When they're done, you get to have your say.

After that day, they seemed to have put my place on some sort of list. They never came back. They would walk right past and go to the next house, even if it was different people doing the proselytizing.

Molly said...

Yep, my ex got my house taken off the "keep trying" list forever apparently when he did that same thing, countered their "have you read the Bible?" with "have you read a physics book?" and took it from there. Since I was always like Mike and would mumble something like "Sorry I'm busy but thanks" and take their literature, I appreciate being on the "hopeless atheist" list now. LOL

ProfessorSeal said...

So if they only have room for 144,000, why the hell do they knock on my door trying to convert me? At this point there must only be a few seats left, so I'd think they'd shut up and keep things a secret to save the few remaining spots for themselves.

mud_rake said...

"Have you read a physics book?"

Classic! I'll try that next time.

Randy said...

Many years ago, I let two Jehovah's Witnesses in because it was snowing and very cold. I felt sorry for them. The three of us made an interesting tableau--The man cheerfully describing God's plan for the world, the woman looking around like the place wasn't up to her standards, and me saying "uh huh" and glancing over my shoulder to make sure that dinner wasn't burning. The whole scene had appropriate background music: I was a big band afficionado at the time, so the accompaniment was Tommy Dorsey and His Orchestra playing "The Music Goes 'Round and 'Round and Comes Out Here."

Carl said...

But Mike, aren't you thankful that you live in a country that allows all of us to freely accept or reject, God as WE understand Him?

A Christian woman was recently STONED to death in the public square in North Korea for her beliefs!

Communism is vile and hostile to the freedoms Christianity has brought to this country